In His Hands

I don't get to go the beach that often anymore. And many times, I really miss it. One of the trade offs of motherhood I guess.

I mean, yeah, I can still go to the beach with the baby of course. But it is now a much bigger production to go to the beach now. Pack all the gears, the baby food, the milk, diapers, towels, more towels, extra cup for the baby. lotion, etc etc. And yeah, the baby. So many times, I decide to just do other things.

But yesterday we made it to the beach. Me and my little prince Kainoa. It was the best sunset watching experience I can remember. I did not have a camera yesterday but I think yesterday will always be etched in my heart and memory for as long as I live.

Just thinking about it now is making me cry. Picture this. The glorious and majestic orange sun perched right there where the sea and the sky touches in the horizon. Shimmering ocean water with blue, pink, purple, orange, and yellow lights dancing on it. Soft waves going back and forth, kissing the soft, sugar like cream sand where two sets of our footprints are walking side by side.

Kids are laughing in the background, birds flying around, people huddled close to each other in their beach towels, some in groups, some in solitary units. But I don't see nor hear any of them as I hold Kainoa's tiny soft hands and fingers clasping mine. I know he knew he was safe in my hands. Ahhhh there is no romantic walk I have taken in the past that can match this joy that I felt. None.

He was mine. And I know one day he will be holding some other woman's hands in his. But yesterday while I was holding him I was saying, "You are mine, my little one. Mine. And how I love you so".


I can't help my tears from flowing right now. The gratefulness and the joy that I feel from knowing this. God is so kind and merciful to me. In spite of who I was and am, He has given me this deep joy of having a son who is capable of making me love in a capacity I have never known before. And it is wonderful. So wonderful it makes my heart swell till I almost cannot breathe. And I am so alive.

Wow. I wonder how God must have felt during those times that He felt us close to Him? When we allow Him to hold our little hands in His? For He knows that once in a while, we may stray from Him and hold the "other hand". I'm sure the joy He experiences from such moments with us crosses the realm of our own understanding of what joy is. But one thing I can understand. He must be VERY HAPPY to feel our hands in His and He must be saying, "Today you are mine. All mine".

Join me in my prayer today that we try to create more opportunities for our hands to be always holding God's hands for it gives Him much pleasure.

Rock A Bye Baby

It took 250 rock-a-bye sways this morning before my baby Kainoa finally drifted off to sleep. Sometimes all it takes to prevent me from sleeping before he does is to play mental games like these. Counting the number of sways I rock him before he wanders off to dreamland. These days the only sporting event I get to participate on are reduced to minding the imaginary stopwatch counting the minutes and seconds before I reach the finish line, which is either my baby drinking all his milk, or falling asleep.

But have you ever just sat and watch a baby sleep? You’ve got to try it if you haven’t. It is the most peaceful and beautiful sight.
Since I have become a mom, watching my baby sleep has become my favorite sport. But unlike most sports that leave you tired and spent after indulging in it, this activity leaves you totally relaxed and rejuvenized.

It is true what they say about sleeping babies. They really look like angels. Pure and lovely. And then there is that smile again that forms in his face as he sleeps which is to die for. Or make you desire to live forever. I live for that smile.

But getting them to sleep is the other end of the story. When my son Kainoa was just a newborn, there were times I needed to rock him in my arms for what seemed like hours. And at last he finally falls asleep, then the neighbor’s dog starts barking, startling my baby and it starts all over again!

But I am so in love with my son that rocking him to sleep, waking up 24/7to feed him, change him, sing to him, and rock him again to sleep feels like a privilege and a blessing each time.

He is almost six months old now. His sleeping patterns have become more interesting. There are those very angelic moments that he goes to sleep on his own after being fed. And there are those times that he bends his body in every possible way he can contort himself into, or stretch his arms and legs in every direction, while you’re trying you’re best to hold onto him, as he gets frustrated for being tired, hungry or simply wanting to be held or carried some more.

And you pray when just before he dozes off, he breaks into a smile that leads into giggles and crispy laughter, his beautiful eyes twinkling at you, and you muster all the will you have inside of you not to pick him up and play with him again. A seductive trick he does on me when he doesn’t want to go to sleep yet. Many a times I succumbed to it but I’m getting stronger each time as I continue to coax him to go back to sleep because I know he needs one.

The pay-off for swaying on my feet as I rock him to sleep is enormous. I get to kiss him one more time before I finally put him down inside his crib. And as I inhale that delicious, sweet scent of my child as I put my cheek against his, I am tempted, so tempted to just keep on holding him and rocking him for a few more hundred sways. Or not.

Baby Coos, Mother Blues

It is amazing how a little person can exert so much power over all the big people in the room. The three of us fully grown human beings, standing in awe, watching him, the newly born, move his bowels early in the morning!

Kainoa hasn't pooped in over 48 hours. So when that morning came and all his body signals indicated he was finally going, my husband and I, plus my mother, are all there in the room, towering over his small body laying down on the changing table, cheering him as he grunts the already used up food out of his system.

It is pretty incredible to realize that motherhood indeed shifts everything, including my preconceived notion of what happiness is for me. Lately, happiness has its defining moments for me when my baby burps especially when I know he badly needs one. Or in the above situation seeing him get his poop out after a day or two of not having one. Nirvana is attained when you see your baby smiles after all these bodily internal slugs are flushed out of his system. You find yourself in heaven as you kiss his face as his drool makes its way down his chin. Or welcome the most disagreeable whiff of his early morning diaper deposit because you know your baby feels better because of this disposal.

It has been five months and a week since I gave birth to my first son Kainoa. And for these one hundred sixty three days since I have met him, there still hasn’t been a day I am never filled with so much gratefulness, drowning in bliss, and mesmerized daily how amazing this little beautiful creature that God has bestowed upon us to love and care for. Sometimes I wonder what good we must have done to deserve such a blessing.
It may be 4 or 5 in the morning and I feel like a zombie as I walk into his room one more time to feed him, I get a full jolt back into life as he reaches out to touch my face the first time he sees me. I hardly can remember how my first kiss was like but I know this for sure, my baby’s touch beats any kind of romantic kiss or embrace I have ever experienced!
Oh how his tiny, soft fingers linger on to touch my nose, my cheeks, my eyes. His eyes gaze lovingly into mine and then he smiles. The dam breaks. Tears flow nonstop as I cry like a child, in deep joy and gratefulness for this love I feel from my child. And the love I feel for him.

He reaches out to touch my face. He brings his cheek or the side of his face against mine when I lift him off his crib after being left there for a good while. This kiss. This touch. The romance of a first kiss, or embrace pales in comparison. It is the purest, most real love a woman can ever experience. Nothing, I mean nothing compares.
My baby coos and I hear music. He laughs and all my mother blues induced by my sleep-deprived moods melt away. Even his cries sound sweet to me. I am in love. Helplessly in love with my firstborn son Kainoa and loving every minute of it. And guessing by the way he looks at me every time I get near him, he is helplessly in love with his mommy too!